Control is an illusion

Finding balance in traveling and singing

Uncertainty

The pandemic and Alzheimer’s opened my eyes to the ever-learning lesson that I can’t control everything. The early days of the pandemic coincided with my mother’s progressing disease, diagnosed just 6 months previous. The uncertainty that came with not being able to control so many circumstances made me incredibly anxious. That April, I would fall asleep to Pema Chodron’s book Comfortable with Uncertainty. I thought I was getting better with uncertainty. 

I forget though because sometimes I feel in control. Then some uncertain thing comes barreling through my life, and I remember I’m not. This is true for my voice in singing, and for even the best planned out vacation.

Other than visiting family, or going to the beach, I haven’t traveled much in the last 20 years; until this last year. I went to Bali in the fall and Keith and I just got back from Italy. The last time I used my passport was 20 years ago!

Bali was an unexpected trip; my friend Kristin and I stayed at a resort, and other than booking plane reservations, I didn’t plan a thing; and had no agenda but to chill out. The resort provided daily yoga, 3 meals + smoothies each day, access to 3 pools, a spa service and 2 excursions, to be chosen upon arrival. They even had a driver pick us up at the airport. 

Bali: Stress - low; relaxation - high!

The main reason Keith and I went to Italy was to visit his daughter; studying in Florence for the semester. It just so happens that the last time I was in Europe, those 20 years ago, I went to Italy. I remember loving it, and visiting KJ was a good excuse to go back! Plus, we found crazy good airfare, so we secured our springtime adventure.

How was Italy? Was it amazing? This is what everyone is asking me… there is an expectation that it should be amazing.. 

And, it was lovely; beautiful; delicious; hilly and… maybe amazing was thwarted with the stress of uncertainty.

Italy: Adventure - high; stress - medium; relaxation - low!

What exactly is stressful?

The unknown variables are stressful in traveling: are we going to make our train? Where are we going? Will we make our timed museum entrance? etc. Then, there is the stress of being in a place where we need to possibly navigate a language that isn’t our own. 

I had zero expectation of speaking whatever the native language is in Bali. We stayed at a resort owned by American musician, Michael Franti. English was the norm.

My history/experience with Europe has always been to try and speak/understand the language. My first language was Italian, but that was 30 years ago! I remember more French and German than Italian. I ran out of time to study, and then I forgot my Italian phrase book on the plane when we transferred in Munich. I felt this huge surge of panic. 

We made a vague (booked hotels/trains) plan and filled in unknowns along the way. I usually plan to the nth degree to feel in control; but I was trying out a newer spontaneous approach. My nightmares are filled with showing up on to the stage not knowing what I’m singing. Just like we practice and prepare for a performance, nerves alone can be the unknown variable to send everything off kilter. Flexibility is needed.

A trip like this also takes time and money. We save up and book time away (which is like money for an entrepreneur like me) and you want it to be worth it! There’s a pull to stuff all the experiences in - to get our money’s worth. At least that’s how I used to think of it. I'm grateful we had the money and time to take a trip like this. And, I’m proud of myself for making time to rest and not packing in more than we did. 

The fear of scarcity is stressful - all the time. I don’t want it while I’m ON the vacation!

Trouble with holding on too tightly

Unknown variables are usually why clients come to me. They want to know how to have more control with their voices. We can learn and know most of the variables when it comes to singing, but if we try to control them, then trouble comes.

The more we try to control our voice, the more uncooperative it can be - muscle tension leads to slippery slopes, quick releases and unpredictability. Control is illusive.

To sing freely, with flexibility, it can feel “out of control”. This is usually what we back away from; and it is this moment where the body is actually learning something new. Trust it! The voice’s flexibility is key to allowing you to connect to expression and away from making the perceived  “right” sounds. Follow ‘out of control’ into the magic.

Same discoveries with travel. The more flexible we were, the easier it was. My mood was definitely better when I wasn’t as rigid. 

Timed museum/park entries do not make for free flowing energetic ease, especially in a strange city with estimated walking times. Paying for the ‘skip the line’ ticket gives one the illusion of ease and control, but it comes with an unforgiving time crunch. I preferred wandering in and waiting, or skipping that activity for the day. There were enough cool things to see everywhere!

The thing we knew we had to do everyday? EAT!

Too Much of a Good Thing

So, what’s the downside of really great food and wine? Too much. Yep, too much of a good thing is not good. Too much made my stomach hurt and my muscles cramp. There was a compulsion to try things and then I’d feel bad when I couldn’t consume it all. 

I’m still thinking about all the new and delightful experiences, like tortellini with avocado and pomegranate, blueberry steak, blueberry risotto and having pasta with truffles made in a parmesan wheel (it’s a must!). 

And, the wine tastings and snacks that come with it! Our wine tour day included 7 wines and charcuterie at one location and 4 wines and a full meal at another - within 3 hours. Our driver asked if we enjoyed it and made a comment about us not eating everything. Um…that’s a lot of food - even for us Americans!

How does this relate to singing? Too much pressure, too much volume, too much force, too small/big mouth, whatever else you can think of, could send the instrument into too much stress, resulting in undesired sounds.

Singing is a balance of just the right amount of pressure, breath, volume, space, etc. A little more, a little less, where is the sweet spot? Not to mention the balance of pairing expressive delivery and thoughtful consciousness of body-mind movement.

The BEST part

The best part was being with Keith’s daughter.

To spend time with her and witness and share in her adventures was delightful. She made an itinerary for our time there with her, sharing her favorite restaurants and showing us her favorite sites.

She saved her visit to the historic and renowned Duomo for us; even though she is staying a stone’s throw from it. Like, literally! By the way, if you go, prepare yourself for the almost plain quality of the inside, compared to its incredibly ornate exterior. Most other cathedrals in Florence are the opposite; a plain front and spectacularly decorated paintings/sculptures inside. 

She introduced us to the Hugo spritz, Aperol’s cousin. The Hugo is made with elderberry syrup and mint - yum! She taught us to avoid the gelato places with the heaping pretty piles; those aren’t as genuine and good. 

Her best advice? She advised us to not even try to look for a bathroom; just go get another drink and pee there! Great advice, really! We relieved ourselves throughout Italy one Aperol Spritz at a time!

We took a cooking class together with a 360 view of the city, visited some Tuscan wineries, and got to try some chocolate she made when she visited Switzerland. The shared moments with KJ, and witnessing Keith’s pride and excitement for her; those were the best parts!

I’m incredibly grateful for our time with her and watching her thrive and have the time of her life. 

Finding the best part of singing is important. When you are working hard, analyzing how it’s going, you have to look for what’s going well. What feels good; sounds good.

When I would find myself stressing about which water taxi (Vaporetto) to take in Venice, I needed to remind myself that we could just hop off and take the next one if it wasn’t the one we needed. Again, looking for flexibility to alleviate the tension.

When we focus on the part of singing that isn’t going well, guess what? It doesn’t get better! It’s so helpful to latch onto some part that we enjoy so that we have a shot at having a good time while we’re doing it! The practice of being present is valuable in singing and traveling!

Overanalyzing

When I couldn’t bring myself to say an emphatic “yes!” when asked if my trip was amazing, I began to analyze my feelings about this trip.

I talked to friends, wrote about it, over and over - this is like my 5th draft - and it is WAY different than versions 1-4. In fact, the analysis of this trip has taken up all of my writing time these last few weeks. I was obsessed!

Very much like analyzing a performance! We can get obsessive about reviewing, listening back, nitpicking things that went wrong. And then, the farther we get from it, maybe it doesn’t seem so bad. We listen one more time, and think, “that’s wasn’t bad!” But, wow, do we analyze the poop out of it for those first few days (weeks!).

Was the trip amazing? Keith thought so. It was his first time to Europe; he was fascinated! The more I tell people about it, the more amazing I remember it.

I got some distance from the stress of uncertainty, the exhaustion and tired myself out with the analysis. 

I might have been comparing it to my Bali trip, which was mostly relaxing bliss and other worldly (i.e. amazing). I also may just be in the resort period of my life.

Next Time

Mostly, I think that I was still under that low-key-depressed fog that Covid engulfed me in back in February. I felt a cloud lift this last week, and I’ve already started imagining what adventure I’ll take next.

Just like we imagine what we’ll sing the next time we get up on stage - no matter how it went the last time. Those of us that have the singing / traveling bug will keep doing it!

The fear of uncertainty and overanalyzing can be paralyzing for adventures in performing and traveling. I’m going to try and remind myself that I can’t really control anything anyway, so when I next make a plan and practice, I’ll try to go with the flow - either on stage or in a foreign land. 

Do you have any tips/tricks for going with the flow when things are unpredictable and you know you can’t control anything?