Is it Maturity? Or, Healing?
Is it Maturity? Or, Healing?
Reframing Language for Understanding
Recently three really important women in my life referred to some noticing of growth and healing through the language of maturity or growing up.
On dealing with a heavy issue that was hard and they were proud of themselves and their responses to it. They each said something like:
1 - I guess I’m maturing…
2 - I must be growing up…
3 - I guess I’m getting wiser as I’m getting older…
Those responses immediately rubbed me the wrong way, and I quickly added a reframe, knowing that each one of them was doing work on themselves, in therapy and inviting desired change into their lives: “I think that’s the result of healing; not maturing or getting older.”
I know plenty of older people that don’t have their shit together or are operating life from a wounded unhealed uninvestigated place. That was both of my parents. Lindsay C. Gibson’s book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents made quite an impact on me. It was a great source of healing on my journey this last decade. And, the title always bugged me a little.
The language is tricky. Maturity means fully developed; full grown. We use this when talking about children becoming adults, we use it when referring to bodies, fully vested investments; it’s the opposite of immature/youth - when something or someone has “come of age”. In nature it might refer to completed natural growth.
This is why it’s so confusing being raised by emotionally immature parents. Because we’re taught that maturity comes with age, but that’s not necessarily true. People who live in traumatized bodies can often react seemingly over dramatically, and some might interpret that as immature.
We have plenty of references of being mature - body, mind, attitude, responsibility, old enough - that can be wrong, confusing, and even creepy…
“She’s mature looking for her age” - developed breasts early; maybe describing the clothes she wears; taller than others’ her age - this is creepy when we’re talking about a young girl. It’s what was said about me; to me! At age 11/12.
A young girl who is calm and responsible, people will say, “Oh, she’s so mature for her age.” Or, maybe she’s in a functional freeze fear response state, trying to survive the chaos around her. Who knows when she’ll figure out that she only needs to be responsible for taking care of herself, rather than everyone else around her. Maybe that’s when she’ll reach maturity, but that’s not age related. Anyone else relate?
When we correlate maturity to age, it’s even more confusing for those of us who were Parentified - children who had to take on adult/parental responsibility; often seen as growing up too fast. In her book, The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power, Katherine Morgan Schafler recalled her early career in social work, when her supervisor gave her some “chilling advice”. She said, “Look for the kids who are behaving perfectly; those are the ones who are terrified.”
Our society/culture even seems to be impressed by mature sounding voices. Kids who sound like adults always get the accolades and attention on talent shows. Is it the shock and awe of it? I had a 10 year old client a long time ago who loved to sing Adele’s songs. And, her parents along with everyone else thought it was amazing; because she sounded like a grown woman. It’s cool from a wow, you’re a good mimic standpoint. It’s also likely what caused her to have nodules. After our first session I sent them to my preferred ENT. Even the kids who still sounded like kids wanted to sing Adele’s song when she became a star. I thought most of her songs were too mature (not enough experience) for them to sing; most of them were break up; heartache songs.
Trying to act older, look older, or sound older than we are might be a way to get attention that we need to be getting elsewhere.
Thirty years ago (jeez!) when I was in college, I remember a girl who came into the music program a couple of years after me, and my jaw hit the floor when she sang at the first recital that fall. She sounded like a 40 year old woman - that was my interpretation of her warm, deep, low husky sound. My first thought wasn’t that’s cool; it was: that’s weird; unnatural. In my older and more mature thinking these days, I know all voices are different and there isn’t a one-size-fits all sound.
I do think we should be wary of glorifying maturity in young children; whether we’re talking about bodies (and, please STOP talking about childrens’ bodies!!!), behavior or voices.
From an emotional or behavioral view, poet Yung Pueblo has my favorite use of the word:
“Maturity is when you can finally ride the ups and downs of life without getting tossed around by them. You don't expect everything to be perfect. You know change is a constant. You don’t judge yourself when times get hard. You live in gratitude. You enjoy the good when it is here.”
I find myself getting more in touch with the trouble with language, and how it can get us or keep us stuck in certain frameworks. I’ve been deep diving on re-interpreting memes on Facebook that over-simplify really complex concepts in life. That’s why I really enjoy Substack, and writing and reading. Our modern-meme-world is creating more complications by trying to shorten the complexities of life into short sound bites.
What do you think? Does certain language rub you the wrong way now that you know more?
Can you see the complexities around maturity? Is there another use of it that’s bothersome?
