Let's talk about Grace
Let's talk about Grace
Reclaiming our own goodwill...
It’s a word I’ve been Reclaiming and Reframing for myself.
Some of you might wonder why I need to do so, and some of you cringed when you saw the title…you know.
It’s a word I first learned at church. For those of you that have some religious wounds, maybe pass by the next few sentences that I’m using for context.
The teaching is that we are saved by grace. By the Grace of G-d we are saved. And, we need this grace, because we are not worthy.
Then there is the use that is maybe equally as troubling… Football player: by the grace of god, we won. Using grace as seeing favor for winning a game, or the best whatever award.
At some point last year, this word kept creeping into my thoughts and my mouth.
I started offering myself grace when I wasn’t getting things right; when I thought there was a right/wrong only.
I would watch my clients shudder in shame when they made a sound they didn’t like, or if they forgot a word. A shudder, a cringe, a yelp, and then the punishing. These moments helped me put a visual and visceral feeling to the harm of perfectionism.
As I have been actively investigating how to shed myself of perfectionistic tendencies, I’ve noticed how often shame and self-torture are paired with these so called mistakes.
One of the gifts of teaching and coaching is to be on the advising side and watching people struggle with the same things you do. At some point, I started taking my own advice: “give yourself a little grace”.
What does it even mean?
Oxford’s top 3 (of 7) definitions are
1 - “elegance or refinement of movement”
2 - “courteous goodwill”
3 - “(in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God”
“Unmerited” also means undeserved. Undeserved is the word used in descriptions of “grace” in further Christian contexts when researching definitions. Let me add my earlier understanding; as a child I taught that I was unworthy and that I didn’t deserve G-d’s grace, but that’s how “good he is”.
The damage this concept has caused in my life is immense. I still, even now, feel the wash of sadness in my chest, the chill in my toes and hands as blood rushes to my heart thinking of the cost for believing I was unworthy for so many years.
As my religious wounds continue to heal, I have found a kinship with the courteous goodwill definition of grace. It feels like permission, allowance; acceptance.
Hand in hand with Self-compassion
It has come quicker and easier since I have been doing the work of embodying Self-compassion. Showing myself the compassion I offer to my loved ones, to my clients; that’s what gave me access to grace.
We all deserve it. We don’t have to do anything to earn it. The church’s premise, by the bones, is on the right track in that vein. Of course if we believe we’re unworthy, why would we ever offer ourselves grace? If keeps us dependent on something outside of ourselves for permission and acceptance; it keeps us in check. You see how this is damaging?
It used to make me paralyzed when it came to making decisions; no matter how big or small. What if I chose wrong? I am wrong; I am bad. I didn’t have to travel far down the rabbit hot towards self-loathing.
The good news is there seems to be circular energy in the offering of grace/compassion and making decisions. The more grace I offer, the quicker I can make a decision. When I worry about making a wrong decision, I have to tell myself that there is no wrong choice; there are no mistakes.
And, when I get stuck, I offer more grace, and I get moving again. It’s made it easier to change my mind, to change my stance, to admit when I don’t know something. It’s made me a better coach, friend, partner. It’s made me a “better” singer.
As much as I perform, if I seized up at every wrong note or forgotten word, I’d have a panic attack every other gig. Offering grace for little “oops” moments is how to get through it; whatever it is. Maybe, just to get through a day!
Acceptance needs Grace
I’ve had Covid this week. For. the. first. time. Not sure how I managed to avoid it for almost 4 years. I secretly thought of myself as the chosen one. What? I grew up in church, so of course, I’m a fan of the hero’s journey.
Jesus, Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, I’ve fallen for them all. Doesn’t every fan envision themselves as a difference maker.
Alas, I’m now a member of the virus club. And, it has not been fun. I felt better on Day 4, but the fatigue and brain fog have kept me from my daily reading/writing/researching activities. It has been maddening.
I’ve felt behind; like I’m wasting time. I’m bored of rest. My body keeps saying, “lay down; be still.”
Day 8 and I still don’t have smell or taste, and I randomly break into sweats or shivers. Eating is a chore and weird activity, when it is usually a joy and full of pleasure.
I have had to access grace a lot this week. My mantra has been, “It’s okay you can’t do xyz. This will pass.”
This is also where I see the intersection of grace/compassion and patience. You want patience, seek grace.
Are you accessing grace for yourself?
If you don’t already know the work of Dr. Kristin Neff on self-compassion; go dig in. It’s enhanced my life in so many ways.
This article is a tangible example of offering myself grace. I couldn’t get my thoughts together in order to publish it on Thursday, my usual posting day. The brain fog lifted enough this morning for me to feel finished with it, and I thought I’d wait until next Thursday to share.
But, my little grace offering voice said “It doesn’t matter that you’re a day late. No one will care. You don’t have to follow your arbitrary rules. There are no mistakes.”
Maybe I am saved by grace. I’m the one doing the saving.
Don’t discount your own voice; your own power; your own grace.